Can you give my some guidance on what the Bible says about a parent who favors one child over the other? My husband has an obvious favorite in our three children and it really bothers me. I feel like he is greatly discouraging our other two children.
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I grieve over your concern and can imagine how unsettled you must be as a Christian parent who seeks only the best for your husband and children.
Based on your question, I will have to assume that (1) your husband really is showing favoritism with your children and this is not just your imagination, (2) your husband is aware that you observe and disapprove of this (rather than his being clueless or utterly ignorant about what's happening or how it's happening), and (3) he is your Christian brother as well as your husband, that is, Bible guidance will be meaningful to him.
You could give Bible examples of favoritism (like Jacob favoring Rachel over Leah or Joseph and Benjamin over their siblings) and show how this never results in healthy family relationships. It asks for trouble and is pretty sure to get trouble. But this approach doesn't bring the power to change hearts, since it is basically a law approach rather than a gospel one.
I recommend that you point your husband repeatedly to the attitude and actions of his dear heavenly Father and Lord Jesus. Such love! Such a gracious Giver of every good gift. And your husband is on the receiving end of all that. No more and no less than anyone else, "for God so loved the world . . ." And your husband's high calling in Christ is to imitate God (Ephesians 5:1-2), to be more and more like Jesus (Romans 8:29). And God shows no favoritism (Acts 10:34, Romans 2:11, etc.). The hope is that your husband will grow in his understanding and appreciation of all that God has done to redeem him graciously and pardon him freely. And that he will be led to be more and more like God, in rejecting partiality and favoritism as inconsistent with Christian lifestyle as well as wise parenting.
Also, keep pointing your children to the same grand truths. This applies to them too. As they grow and mature they will increasingly find that their highest security and emotional balance will rest on the unmovable promises of a faithful God who delights in them even when earthly representatives may fail them.
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What are the benefits of bringing infants to worship?
You ask for benefits, and I offer this as a partial list of perceived benefits derived from bringing infants and small children to public worship gatherings:
- This allows the Holy Spirit to enrich the child as the Spirit wills, even though we may not know precisely how. (The words of 2 Timothy 3:15 as well as Matthew 18:6 tell us that the smallest among us may nevertheless believe and know the Bible in some way (aside from the blessings of Baptism). While we may not grasp the how, we eagerly anticipate the Spirit giving what he wants to give, however he chooses.)
- This, in time, trains a child in the basics of church etiquette and decorum while in public assemblies when people are gathered around God's Word and sacraments. This takes time and repetition, but it yields results we give thanks for by the time a child is a bit older.
- This is a fine way of testifying to the world that our families are all God's people and belong wherever God's people gather for worship. This gives joy to fellow worshipers as they behold the next generation of believers beginning their participation in worship assemblies and gives encouragement to visitors and newcomers who have children and see that their entire families are welcome. This encourages our own members with small children and tells them that despite potential disruptions and distractions, their whole family is welcome, and we consider the training of the youngest a high enough priority that we are willing to endure some distraction ourselves.
- This gives fellow worshipers opportunities to lend a hand periodically to assist busy and sometimes frustrated parents who are engaged in the important but challenging process of training their youngest. Problematic situations are often opportunities for practical love and kindness to spring into action.
- This allows the congregations to ponder and develop ways of serving parents who often find it hard to concentrate on the Lord's law and gospel during worship assemblies. The provision of tools and encouragements for home study or mid-week study may be a part of this.
While a longer list is possible, I'll pause merely to say we are not blind to the challenges are potential problems involved here. It is little wonder that so many churches provide suitable nursery areas and so many deacons and ushers are trained to offer alternatives when infantile outbursts threaten the hearing of God's Word for many in attendance. Let us strive to strike a suitable balance here. Life this side of heaven will always bring challenges to accompany blessings from our God.
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What can parents do if children start to stray away from the faith and how can they prevent this from happening?
If you are certain your child is straying away from the scriptural truths of the Christian faith he or she was brought up with, chances are your child is having trouble seeing how those scriptural truths apply to his or her life right now. Perhaps the child is going through some problems and just cannot see how "church" is going to help. Perhaps the child has been fooled by the things of this world into believing that the Christian faith is "no fun" or will somehow withhold pleasure from his or her life.
The key is communication. No progress can be made in this area without calmly talking with your child. As a parent you have always wanted what is best for your child and this is no different. As children experience problems or changes that have them doubting how relevant the Christian faith is to their lives, parents want what is best for them. Parents want their children to be able to apply scriptural truths to the challenges, changes, and pleasures of this life because this is what is best for them. So parents talk to their children about these things. Where is the disconnect between the Christian faith and the child's life? What are the hurts or problems or issues that the child thinks cannot be helped by a healthy relationship with God? Let's talk about how God wants to bless us in every area of our lives, even the problems, because he loves us.A passage that has always helped me as a parent in this area is 1 Timothy 4:8: "Godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." Here God tells us that living a life that honors him holds out a promise for this life; namely, it allows us to enjoy life to the full with the joy, security, and peace of a solid relationship with him. The godly life also holds out the promise of something even better, eternal life, as God uses the gospel to keep us clinging to the Lord Jesus in faith and looking forward to heaven.
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As parents of an adult homosexual child, how much of a relationship should we maintain with our child and friend? We do not want him to think we condone this homosexual relationship, but we still love him and feel he needs our Christian influence. We also do not want our young grandchildren to think this is okay.
You have my sympathy as you strive to maintain relationships with your homosexual child and friend. I am thankful that you DO desire to maintain a relationship since that will allow you opportunity to give suitable witness to your convictions and to demonstrate parental kindness despite the spiritual plight of your loved one. I recognize that your doing this will necessarily involve awkwardness, often leave you in situations where you will be unsure of how best to conduct yourself in Christian love, and periodically arouse anger and resentment in your child and partner because of their impenitent lifestyle. And you will grieve over the inaccurate and flawed example that will be set before your grandchildren on a daily basis. You have a daily petition in your prayer life until repentance is shown.
You ask "how much of a relationship" should be maintained. There are no strict formulas to follow. Christian love is keenly alert to specific relationships, opportunities, threats, and people—and expresses itself with flexibility as long as divine truth is not compromised. You have already identified key issues and voiced proper concerns, so I suspect you will do just fine despite awkwardness and emotional pain. Perhaps all I can counsel is that you maintain clarity in your testimony as you speak the truth in love. Clarify what you cannot and will not accept and why you at the same time desire to maintain a relationship with your child. Take every opportunity your child gives you while being content when your child gives you precious little opportunity. And maintain the cheerfulness that comes with the confidence that God does not desire to be done with your child and that he does not have the limitations imposed on you. In your intercessions ask God to work miracles, to use other witnesses for the truth to interact with your child, and commend your child confidently to divine providence that can crush the rebellious spirit and make sinners open to the truth. The pressure is ultimately on God, not you, just as the power is his, not yours or mine.
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My 11-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness, although we are waiting on confirmation testing. The illness has many and varied disheartening side effects, and a very high mortality rate (85% in 10 years after diagnosis). My wife and I have so far only told him that we are trying to find out, and waiting to hear from the doctors—which is true. How do we best handle speaking with him about this? How do we help him not "give up" when he learns the prognosis? He is a naturally curious child and will want to learn all he can about it, but I am at a loss as to talk to him about it, as we will need to do.
We sincerely grieve with your family concerning the tentative diagnosis you mention. To our dear Lord we commend you and your son.
What, when, and how you share information with your son will to a degree depend on things I do not know. His spiritual as well as emotional maturity are factors you will take into account. From our perspective it is of highest priority to emphasize and reinforce the truth of your son's eternal safety and security through Christ his Savior and ours. That allows us to place what we normally classify as bad and disappointing news side by side with what is pure, unconditional, and unchangable good news. Also important is how you speak with your son, that is, with confidence in your Lord Jesus, thankful joy in the assurance of your eternal well-being, and faith that our saving God does all things well, even when he makes choices we would not choose for ourselves. Your son will quickly pick up on your attitude and to a degree reflect that as he comes to grips with the information you eventually share with him. Also valuable in situations like this is the use of your pastor as well as medical doctor who may stand alongside you as you relay information and strive to put it into a suitable perspective.
Other than that I urge honesty and direct speech coupled with your love and concern for your dear son. If you show no sign of "giving up" but a resolve to receive what God gives you and to do your best to respond with childlike faith and a cheerfulness that flows from the joy of being a redeemed child of God, you may expect your son to cope with the situation. Will there be hard moments of emotional upheaval? I suspect yes. But Christ will never leave you or forsake you and your son. His Holy Spirit, the Comforter, will bring you through as more than conquerors through him who loves you (see Romans 8:28-39).
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What can parents do if an adult child strays away from the faith? Our daughter quit going to church when she was in college. She is now in her mid-twenties, still will not go to church, and does not want to talk to us about it.
Our sincere sympathy goes out to you parents. The grief that Christian parents of a backslidden child endure is great. This heartache is compounded when parental control is diminished or lost because the child has become an adult and is able to silence or willfully ignore and despise the testimony of the parents. In general you have three tools at your disposal:
- You can pray. Keep your daughter in your intercessions. Ask God to act providentially to get and keep her attention and interest (even if it be through severe trials). Ask him to supply Christian witnesses to law and gospel who may be given access to her when you have been shut out. Ask God for the ability to continue to love her and have confidence regarding her return to repentance and faith, rather than growing bitter or despondent because of your disappointment.
- You can offer clear though limited testimony to law and gospel when opportunities surface. Your daughter may not want to "talk about it" but if you promise not to engage in an ongoing dialogue every time you see her (which is perhaps what she fears most because of a guilty conscience), you can ask her for one sit-down conversation at which time she can explain to you what she feels and why and you can explain to her what you feel and why. And in that kind of setting, law as law and gospel as gospel will be your primary tools as you sow the seed of God's Word.
- You can continue to testify to your daughter by attitude and lifestyle that she will observe. Here I am thinking of a cheerful, happy contentment and optimistic approach to daily life that gives Christ all praise and holds no grudges to those (including children) who disappoint or embrace ideologies contrary to your own. Continue to feed and fuel your own faith-life through the gospel, and as you grow spiritually you will also grow in your ability to cope with this disappointment, trust God's capabilities despite your limitations, grow more fervent in prayer, and ultimately serve as a billboard of Christian contentment and joy for people (including your daughter) who have temporarily at least settled for much less. The goal is to attract them winsomely to the Lord who gives his people, in addition to pardon and eternal life in glory, such blessings despite hardships during our earthly pilrimage.
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Is it wrong to put a child up for adoption? What are circumstances, if any, when a Christian may give up a child for adoption?
It is not wrong to place a child for adoption. It is, however, often a painful decision. Within the Christian context there are two ways to look at it: biologically and beneficially. The biological perspective is that parents have a responsibility to raise their own children (Isaiah 49:15) or to entrust them to immediate family when they cannot (Exodus 2:1-9). The beneficial perspective focuses on benefiting the child's needs.
The Bible presents a clear, general directive: love God and love others (Matthew 22:37-40); family members head the list of "others" whom we are to love (1 Timothy 5:8).
God consistently describes the immediate family as mother, father, and child(ren). This is the ideal setting for raising children (Ephesians 6:1,4). Where there is no mother or father because of death or divorce, other family members and friends often take an active role in helping to raise the child(ren). Sadly, when a child is born outside of marriage, the child's mother often is left to raise the child alone.
When is it appropriate for a child to be placed for adoption? Because the biological mother often is the one facing this decision, let's use her perspective.
She typically is alone, perhaps young, poor, or facing some malady that makes it difficult for her to raise her child. Her decision often is complicated by an emotional attachment or a sense of biological duty. But she needs to remember God's command to be more mindful of others than of herself (Philippians 2:3-4), prayerfully consider whose welfare is being best served, and what is best for her child physically and spiritually.
It isn't wrong to place a child for adoption with someone else if there is reasonable assurance that God's directive on how to raise a child (Proverbs 22:6) will be met and that the child will learn about Jesus as Savior and Lord (2 Peter 3:18).
Birth mothers often describe making this difficult choice as "placing" their child for adoption. They view it not as a surrender but as an important parenting decision they are making for their baby.
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